Trust Issues...

 or just burned one too many times?

   "An easier, softer way" are the words they use...as if my extreme reluctance, my existential dread in "finding a sponsor" were mere laziness, a simple desire to avoid an unpleasant task. I don't want to find a sponsor because I don't want to get involved with another human being on that level. Not because I want to find an easier, softer (softer? softer??)) way to stay sober. This is insulting on a deep level. It implies that anyone with any objection to any part of the AA 12 step program are lazy pussies. They wish to engage in "half measures", and so find an easier, less painful way to work the program. Not I. I have no objection to working the 12 steps. I only have an objection to finding a sponsor. But here's what I'm going to do: in order to avoid being thrown out on the street for not getting a sponsor, I'm going to go ahead and get one. I live in a sober living house with seven others, and this is one of their rules. You have to work the 12 step program and get a sponsor, ostensibly to help you work the steps. Or you'll be evicted. So I'll comply.

    I came to this conclusion from the very start, but I've not yet asked anyone to sponsor me...(sponsor? WTF?) (where is that in the book Alcoholics Anonymous?). In fact, I'm starting to consider that I need to move out of this sober living house and get a place of my own. I do not wish to get close to anyone, for any reason. Not recovering addicts, not anyone at all. Most of them, if not all, are boring, frustrating, filled with mindless cliches and platitudes, interested only in sports and sex. Most of them mock me when I tell them I'm into ancient history, languages, and classical music. Some of them try to patronize me by feigning interest. ( "chess? I was never any good at it" ) It's all so awkward and avoidable. I've been hurt, betrayed, hated and avoided since I was a boy. I tried, and tried some more, and when things seemed hopeless, still tried to make a meaningful connection to others. I've given up. Solitude is preferable. It's not that I'm looking to find an easier, softer way. It's because I already know. People are never to be trusted with personal matters. 

    

Meaningless Gestures

    They complained because I don't tell them "good morning". I just don't think it's necessary. I feel the same way about ritualistic prayers. Before any meeting and after any meeting, they always have a prayer. "Would someone like to pray us in/out" is always asked at the beginning and ending of meetings. Someone starts, and then everyone says the prayer.  None of this seems sincere. People long ago memorized the Serenity and Lord's Prayer and recite them by rote, the same way they say good morning. It means nothing. "(I wish you a) good morning" is like a  military salute, I suppose, a gesture meant to show acknowledgment and respect. Like taking your hat off when you enter a building, or before saying a prayer. These are meaningless gestures, akin to virtue signaling. Why is it necessary to acknowledge people when you first see them in the morning? 

I am an Island

You do no speak, you babble on and on. Your words are dull, lifeless, and worth nothing. Everything that comes out your maw is a copy of words you heard from someone else, but you think it's original. So please, don't tell me what time of day it is, don't advise me on the future, don't tell me good morning, just go away and leave me alone. 

You say I need others. For what? I do not care to engage in vapid conversations with fools. I do not need life advice from a "mentor" or a "sponsor"; all I need to know I can read in a book or watch in a film, and I know how to sift through the garbage for pearls of wisdom. Also, you say I need others to make sure I stay on the path, people who will hold me accountable and "call me out on my bullshit", but I have developed a very strong sense of self-honesty and integrity that takes care of that well.  I do not lie to myself, nor to others, you see. I always tell the truth, because I know that whatever the consequences of doing so, they are the best thing that could happen. You, however, mouth platitudes and bleat bromides.

 

Desiderata

You are not my brother. I don't know you, and I don't care to know you. Stop referring to me as "family". I am not in your family. I do not belong to your "brotherhood". You expect me to go along with the charade and somehow gain? Oh no, no, he's selfish, selfish! Self-centered! He values his individuality! Off with his head, he's not one of us! Throw him out on the street!

 I have contempt for you and your kind. Just leave me alone, and I'll do the same for you.

Alone and Unafraid

    

There was a time when all I could do was think of you, but you weren't the only one. There was a black haired young lady who looked at me and smiled, a long time ago now. She went away just like you went away, just like the others went away. Today I am alone and unafraid, happy to be so, walking the world without shame, pain or guilt. 

I don't hate you, despise you, miss you, love you, or want you anymore. Although I have told you good bye forever before-once or twice, I believe-this time it's true, horrible as that seems.