or just burned one too many times?
"An easier, softer way" are the words they use...as if my extreme reluctance, my existential dread in "finding a sponsor" were mere laziness, a simple desire to avoid an unpleasant task. I don't want to find a sponsor because I don't want to get involved with another human being on that level. Not because I want to find an easier, softer (softer? softer??)) way to stay sober. This is insulting on a deep level. It implies that anyone with any objection to any part of the AA 12 step program are lazy pussies. They wish to engage in "half measures", and so find an easier, less painful way to work the program. Not I. I have no objection to working the 12 steps. I only have an objection to finding a sponsor. But here's what I'm going to do: in order to avoid being thrown out on the street for not getting a sponsor, I'm going to go ahead and get one. I live in a sober living house with seven others, and this is one of their rules. You have to work the 12 step program and get a sponsor, ostensibly to help you work the steps. Or you'll be evicted. So I'll comply.
I came to this conclusion from the very start, but I've not yet asked anyone to sponsor me...(sponsor? WTF?) (where is that in the book Alcoholics Anonymous?). In fact, I'm starting to consider that I need to move out of this sober living house and get a place of my own. I do not wish to get close to anyone, for any reason. Not recovering addicts, not anyone at all. Most of them, if not all, are boring, frustrating, filled with mindless cliches and platitudes, interested only in sports and sex. Most of them mock me when I tell them I'm into ancient history, languages, and classical music. Some of them try to patronize me by feigning interest. ( "chess? I was never any good at it" ) It's all so awkward and avoidable. I've been hurt, betrayed, hated and avoided since I was a boy. I tried, and tried some more, and when things seemed hopeless, still tried to make a meaningful connection to others. I've given up. Solitude is preferable. It's not that I'm looking to find and easier, softer way. It's because I already know. People are never to be trusted with personal matters.
