Not Another Meeting!

     

  

It's not that I hate people, it's that I know that they can never, and would never, love me. As I could never love them. It's not their faults (I have a few), nor is it their physical unattractiveness (I am 63 and overweight). Rather, most people I have met are not interested in the things that interest me. Some of them will feign interest in an effort to be polite, but after a moment or two, I can see the bored, faraway look in their eyes. I say, "this matters to me";  they say, "to you, maybe, but not to me", when I speak to them of my interests, often with an air of amused superiority.  I see it all the time. As a result, I simply stopped talking to them. I bore them, you see, so what's the use? Then there's the ugly fact that all  the people I meet are not worth getting to know. They are shallow, often overly narcissistic, phony, boring, predictable and hypocritical. I see their body language, hear their tone of voice, see the cast of their eyes. I note the words and phrases they use. All of this tells me that I would gain nothing by getting to know them but self-contempt for bringing myself down so low. I don't want them to hug me, shake my hand, share their pathetic little stories with me, include me in their circle, say I'm a "family" member, nothing. Just leave me alone, and save your pity for yourself, I say. 

    Over and over I am told to "reach out", to "put myself out there"-that is, to go to 12 step meetings and to the church of my choosing. I am told that the opposite of addiction is connection, meaning isolation from others leads to a variety of negative consequences: addiction to drugs taken to escape these consequences, painful loneliness, and the displeasure of God. So, at first, I gave it a try. I went to a "megachurch" a few times, and noticed a marked sense of warmth and friendliness there that seemed put-on and obligatory. After the service, only a few stick around in small cliques for chatting ("socializing"), but most make for the exits to get to their cars as fast as possible and away from the traffic. The same for 12 step meetings. Almost always-9 times out of 10-the service and the sharing are boring, sometimes depressing, and I constantly look at the clock to see how long it is before I can escape. 

    I like to take walks in the woods, and in remote isolated places, alone. Sometimes I feel it would be great to have someone with me to share in the joy such things bring me, someone who would hold my hand and say very little, content with silence. Other times, when I create music, I feel as if having someone to admire it would be grand. But such a person does not exist. People do not interest me, except for the brilliant people I see on the Internet, people who go against the flow and stand out spectacularly with their brilliance. 

    All of this is why I dread having to go to meetings of any kind, why "getting a sponsor" feels loathsome and self-betraying (imagine sharing with a stranger you met at church or a 12 step meeting your deepest, intimate details). 

    I will not become a self-defeating conformist to stay clean and sober. I will not consider people I barely know to be family members. I will get close to no one. The opposite of addiction is not connection, but self-actualization through solitude, having something worthwhile to get up for in the morning and eagerly pursue.